Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
