that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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