I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
