Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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