whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
