she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
