she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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