why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
