Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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