i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
