"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Can I color on your dick again?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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