hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
