I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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