My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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