i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My ass is underappreciated
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize