fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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