Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
