Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
