I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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