i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
