Kiss
Puke
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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