Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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