i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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