Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
