People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
