Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
