and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
