Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
