Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
