if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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