my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
