someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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