Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
