dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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