Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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