I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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