She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
