I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
