You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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