He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
