Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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