I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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