Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
