3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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