You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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