2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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