i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
