Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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