She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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