I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
