I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
