Cold hands, warm shart.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
