FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
