i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
