he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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