PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
