I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
