I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
