Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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