My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
