She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
